Join me as I look at the unique box that houses me.
I have many labels that people keep trying to place on me. The problem I have with these labels is that when others hear about those labels they automatically categorize me with others whom they have known who also had that particular label, good or bad. Some of those labels might include things that are fairly benign such as; woman, daughter, friend, wife, and mother. Within those categories are sub-categories such as what kind of woman I am, what choices I have made when it comes to my children, etc. I have lived within the culture of the “mommy wars” for over a decade and so many times I have witnessed the turmoil brought about when one group (label) decides that their way is the best way and everyone should mother their children in the same way. That is another post for another time though.
I also follow Jesus Christ and that too has brought about many labels from both my conservative friends, who think I think just like them, and my non-Christian friends who have been so hurt by “Christians” that they are wary of anyone with that particular label. The funny thing is about all of these labels that society keeps trying to stick on me is that depending on where the label is coming from they might mean the exact opposite thing.
This blog is my look into my labels, both those forced on me and those that I adopt myself. I am hoping to learn more about myself through this endeavor. This will NOT be your typical look at this topic for I am unique creation of God. I strip off every single label and start with my unlabeled box. Well, unlabeled isn’t entirely true. I do have one label that I am starting with and that is “Season.” My box is only for me, just as yours is unique to you. I am curious to see if there are labels that will be permanent or if there are ones that I am willing to attach with temporary adhesive. I hope my experience might help you to take a look at your labels and those that you place on those around you. I ask you to set aside your preconceived notions and take a look into this box labeled simply “Season.”
Warning: This part of my story is very emotional. I read today in Waking up White by Debby Irving, “In my experience, vulnerability, the opposite of bravado, is where humanity reconnects and recharges its circuitry. It is the hardware of the life force that sustains us.” Hopefully this will help someone else realize that they are not alone in their pain even as it is different from mine.
The move came even though I wanted a way out. I had no resources of my own nor did she. We both felt stuck. After moving, we made plans to visit each other about every two weeks. Two weeks doesn’t sound like a long time but to us it seemed like an eternity. This went on for a couple of months, with both of us feeling horrible at the secrecy but seeing no other way. Continue reading
Welcome to 2017. Sorry that I haven’t written for awhile. The next few months in my story are very hard to live through again. Added to that I have been extremely busy with my new business and now my story feels like it is about to take a deeper turn here in 2017.
So the next few months were filled with turmoil for me. The “wrongness” of my feelings for her were pulling me one way and the feeling of “home” that I felt when I was with her pulled me the other. Continue reading “Wait”
Feelings are crazy things. I was on this roller coaster. At the top I was overwhelmed by the love that I was feeling. I had never felt anything so strong in my life but at the same time I was filled with shame and that was dipped down equally as strong. I had never cheated on anyone before and I knew that Jesus says in Matt 5:28, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” By now I was thinking that I loved her more than just a friend. Continue reading “More Than “Just a Friend””
The immediate response I got from The Letter was to “never be afraid to love.” There were obviously some big things going on inside me. Things that needed to be addressed. A couple of days after I had given her the letter I went out for a long walk in the adjoining woods to our property. I asked these questions of God:
- Am I beautiful?
- What is my worth?
- Do I delight you?
- Am I lovable?
- Can I trust you?
- What are these feelings I have for her?
Continue reading “The Aftermath”
Life changes. Sometimes with a pregnancy test, a phone call, a visit or in my case with a letter. I was in turmoil. I was leaving, moving three hours away. “It is only for three years,” I kept telling myself, over and over. I repeated it like a mantra to drive away the sadness. It didn’t work. The thought of being away for three years would take the breath out of my lungs.
I never wanted anyone to touch me. I hugged my kids because I knew they needed it but even when I was upset I didn’t want anyone to touch me. It probably stems from the fact that my stepmother told me, when I was very young, that I wasn’t allowed to hug or kiss my dad unless I hugged or kissed her first. I didn’t like her, so I just stopped touching anyone. But now I wanted to be close to my friend. I wanted her to hug me. I didn’t understand this at all. So I wrote a letter. Continue reading “The Letter”
Life here on Earth is hard. Things don’t always go our way. I haven’t written in awhile because life got messy and difficult. I live about 3 hours away from my wife. We bought a house for our new family over the summer and I was hoping to be living with her once we were married back in September. However, life had other plans. My ex-husband and I had moved 3 hours away just over three years ago. He had taken a temporary position that was to last 3 years. I stayed in that area even though I wanted to move back so that our children could be close to both of us. I figured that the 3 years would fly by and then we would all move back. I was wrong. Continue reading “I was wrong…I am LOVED!”
It has been a crazy three weeks, filled with chiropractic appointments, an all-day class, field trips, re-certification classes, researching as well as the everyday things like work and homeschooling. Time seems to get sucked into the vacuum of life so easily. I have been trying to be mindful of my reaction to this deluge of time passing. I can’t slow it down but I can be aware and try to be in the moment as much as possible.
Continue reading ““Season””