Welcome to 2017. Sorry that I haven’t written for awhile. The next few months in my story are very hard to live through again. Added to that I have been extremely busy with my new business and now my story feels like it is about to take a deeper turn here in 2017.
So the next few months were filled with turmoil for me. The “wrongness” of my feelings for her were pulling me one way and the feeling of “home” that I felt when I was with her pulled me the other. We spent as much time as possible together, talking about everything but especially about God. When we weren’t with each other we wrote each other letters. We both saw this relationship in a spiritual way. We saw (and still do) our love as but a small reflection of God’s love for us, and by “us” I mean all of us. I had walls built up very high and very strong around my heart and brick by brick she was helping me remove them.
I was learning so much about trusting God. Could I? Would I? Our relationship went against what Christians considered holy but there I was growing by leaps and bounds, my relationship with God deepening. Some would say I was falling further into sin but I felt closer to God than ever before. I didn’t know what to do though and I asked over and over as I prayed. I continuously received the message to “wait.” Quotes would show up on Facebook or I would read something in a book or the Bible about waiting.
“‘Wait on the Lord’ is a constant refrain in the Psalms, and it is a necessary word, for God often keeps us waiting. He is not in such a hurry as we are, and it is not His way to give more light on the future than we need for action in the present, or to guide us more than one step at a time. When in doubt, do nothing, but continue to wait on God. When action is needed light will come.” – J. I. Packer, Knowing God.
Meanwhile she was focusing on centering on God. We knew the move day was approaching and we didn’t know what to do about it. I was in turmoil and not really getting any release other than being told to wait. I felt that we were connected souls like David and Jonathan, “Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.” – 1 Samuel 18:1. This brought her great contentment, knowing that we were bound together no matter how near or far we were. To me, it brought angst. I wanted to how all of this was going to work. I needed to plan for the future. Plus I was the one leaving, not only her but all my closest friends. I was going to be close to my mom and that was my only consolation.
Next up is moving day.