When I was 14, a friend invited me to join him and some others to jump off a cliff into a pond below. He had done this as a young child and wanted to experience it again. I was scared to jump into the unknown. I made one of the other guys go out to where we would be jumping and swim down as far as he could to look for rocks and other hidden dangers. He obliged and said he swam as far as he could and could see nothing. One by one my friends jumped and survived. I have a habit of being unable to make decisions, as you will see if you continue to follow my story. I would walk to the edge and then not be able to do it because I, myself, did not know what those murky waters hid. Finally, the farmer who owned the land was coming and we were afraid because we didn’t exactly have permission to be on his property. It was now or never. I jumped! It was the most exhilarating thing I had ever done up to that point in my life. I wanted to do it again but I had to wait until the next year when we made the two hour trip again. That year I did it twice.
As I sit here and write this, I feel like I did standing at the edge of that cliff. I want to jump so badly and have for some time but I haven’t found the courage to do it, until today. I know that I will lose friends and there will be many questions and many judgements. I wish I could take each of you and sit down over a cup of tea and explain how my life ended up where it has. Unfortunately, I do not have the time to do that so this platform will have to do. So here it goes!
I am married. You might not find that to be news as many of you knew I was married. However I am not still married to “Bear” and haven’t been for some time. You may wonder why I didn’t make this public knowledge and the truth is that I was afraid that I would be judged that my marriage failed and my role in why it failed. You see, over three years ago I fell in love. I tried to ignore it, to justify it as something else, and to downplay it. I told my husband and we went to counseling. I knew my marriage wasn’t something I was proud of and I purposely didn’t get close to any men because I was afraid that I would have an affair. I had close friends who had done just that. Their marriages were not happy ones, they started hanging out with a single man and then before they knew it they were divorced and in a relationship with this new man. I had not been happy for a long time, more on that in a later post, so I was very cautious not to get too close to any man. The ironic thing is that I fell in love with a woman, not just any woman but my best friend.
Boy did that take me by surprise! Now the sleepless nights began. I was moving three hours away and I was no longer going to see my best friend practically every day. For over a year I wrestled with God. I was not “supposed” to be in love with a woman. I was “supposed” to be married forever, even if it meant losing myself. I was a “good” Christian. I have learned a lot about myself and God and His love throughout all of this. This journey has been a crazy ride, full of ups and downs and twists and turns. If you are willing, I invite you to take a look at my story. I have learned many things throughout this adventure and one of them is that everyone has a story, but most people hide them because they are ashamed that they will be judged. I can go though my friend list on Facebook and practically tell who will unfriend me but I hope I am wrong. I hope that you will stick with me for awhile, even if you don’t agree with my decisions. My boys and I just finished reading Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech and one of the quotes is “Don’t judge a man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.”
So now I am married for the second time but to a woman. Our wedding was beautiful! You can see one picture of us as we look ahead to what God has in store for us. I want to share my joy with everyone. My hope is that by hearing my story you might be able to change the way you think when you hear the label “homosexual.” My pastor recently told me how glad he was to have me in his life and to be a part of my story. I plan on posting once a week as my life is quite busy at the moment. I leave you with this quote from the song Brave by Sara Bareilles, “Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out.
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.” Maybe one day we can all share our stories without fear of judgement.